Friday, April 03, 2009

My Version of James Bond

This is a quote from the Wikipedia article on the James Bond film 'Goldfinger': 'Goldfinger warns Bond to stay out of his business by having Oddjob decapitate a statue by throwing his steel-rimmed top hat. Undeterred, Bond follows him to Switzerland, where he unintentionally foils an attempt by Jill's sister Tilly Masterson (Tania Mallet) to assassinate Goldfinger for the death of her sister, Jill.

Bond sneaks into Goldfinger's plant and overhears him talking to a Red Chinese agent about "Operation Grand Slam." Leaving, he encounters Tilly as she is about to make a second attempt on Goldfinger's life, but accidentally trips an alarm. Bond attempts to escape using his modified Aston Martin DB5 car. During their escape, Oddjob breaks Tilly's neck with his hat. Bond is soon captured and Goldfinger has Bond tied to a table underneath an industrial laser, which slowly begins to slice the table in half. Bond then lies to Goldfinger that British Intelligence knows about Grand Slam, causing Goldfinger to spare Bond's life until he can determine how much the spy actually knows.'

Now, in my version the bumbling secret agent remains on the table and is castrated by the laser beam. Goldfinger leaves Bond alive but traumatised by the savage pain of castration. MI5 puts Bond in a nursing home where he spends the rest of his life locked in a dreamworld inside his own head, imagining himself to be eternally young and healthy, a ladies man, his face continually changing to resemble Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan etc.

In the real world Moneypenny visits him occasionally and cries.

He never returns to reality.

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